Friday, February 19, 2010


Today the anger spills out of me. I am unable to stop its ferocious pace and it bypasses all my self-made dams and barges, trying to control it, it bursts through and spills out onto everyone in its path. It seems so strong and feels like it damages not only me but, everyone it touches. I am unable to control it. I have reached my limit as a momma who stays inside all day with a little one who is always trying to gain control, always pushing, always searching out the new, getting into everything, pulling things down, pouring things out, breaking things, screaming, yelling. I have been pushed to my limit over and over and over. I haven't had a break and my patience seems to have left long ago, so I am in survival mode, trying at every turn to control the anger building inside of me. It is growing with ferocity, until finally, it cannot be contained anymore, and it bursts out in all it's ugliness, leaving a path of destruction behind it.

Lord Jesus, I lay before you. Open and vulnerable. I need your help. I cannot do it alone. It is ugly and destructive and it needs Your redemption, Your forgiveness. Forgive me Father for I have sinned and I need You.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Cross.

I surrender. I forgive.

I choose to unlock the door of my heart where the pain is hidden. To let go. To give it to You, Lord Jesus. Take it. It is Yours. I surrender my heart and all that is within it. I surrender my running from it. And choose Your path Lord. I choose to forgive.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

i went. i spoke. i conquered.

Yes, I went and spoke at my friend's funeral (through fear and trembling), in the church that we left on not so good terms (heartbreaking), and did it all. by. myself. (Hubby was out of town with Hot Sauce and Chocolate Chip). Wheewh!

With that said, it was the most amazing funeral service I have ever witnessed. It truly was an amazing tribute to the life of an amazing man of God and I am so glad I went! I am so thankful the Lord gave me the opportunity to speak there and to be apart of the ceremony. It was so special. I cried the whole time.

Thank you Lord for granting me grace, for giving me boldness, and for allowing me to honor my friend today.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Today I was asked to speak at the funeral of my friend. It makes me very nervous. First, I have to return to a church where we left because of backbiting and gossiping and defamation of character. Then I have to stand in front of all those people and speak (public speaking is one of my fears!). God help me. Help me face my fears and stand strong.

Its funny though, I want to do it for my friend. I want to speak on behalf of his life because it was such an inspiring one to me. I want to honor him even if it means facing some of my greatest fears.

God help me be strong. Give my Your peace and boldness. Give me the ability to speak elloquently in front of all those people. Still my beating heart.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Today I am greiving the loss of a friend who died of cancer. I wish I could have seen him one more time to tell him how much he meant to me, how much I appreciated him warring for me, how much I appreciate what he went through to gain the spiritual authority to pray for me and so many others. I would have thanked him for being my friend, for loving me and how I loved him right back. How he was like having a heavy weight champion in my corner all the time. How I use to love to see his eyes light up when he saw me, and how clear his eyes were and full of life, yet how gentle and humble and loving he was. Such a mighty warrior for the Kingdom of God. I feel such an absence in the spirit. An absence in the place where he use to stand.

Go my friend! Go to Jesus! Be FREE!!! I will see you later there.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

in the nothing

Today I spent the day with Hot Sauce (7) and Chocolate Chip (2) (my daughters, but not their real names. Wouldn't that be funny if it were their real names? Ha!) Hot Sauce was home from school today because she didn't feel so good last night. We all spent the day around the house practicing the art of doing nothing. We enjoyed the nothing. We connected in the nothing. All of us needing it - to connect, to be together, carefree, doing nothing. I put them to bed and instead of feeling the ususal drain, I feel refreshed. I am thankful today for the nothing.