Betrayal

Betrayal didn't knock on the door politely.  It was a heat seeking missle that blasted through the door to find me.  It was laser guided and didn't stop until it reached me.   It didn't stop until it penetrated to the deepest core of me.  Then it exploded.   Betrayal shatters your core, your heart, your mind, your nervous system.  The blow rings through the body with so much force it feels like it will only stop if it finds a way out, only it can't, and you have to contain it's great force.  Grief sets in shortly after.  It cries to be heard and you're wise to let it.  The mind also feels the blow and scrambles to make sense of something senseless.  There is nothing so painful and damaging.

Jesus, you say you are close to the broken-hearted.  Be close to me now.  Ever so close.  I'm in a million pieces on the floor.  I feel so damaged I can't get up.  I can't think.  I can't process anything because everything is too much.  Too bright, too loud, too intense.  I shut myself away and don't come out for months until my nervous system finally thinks it's safe.  But now I can't function.  The pain is too great and it won't subside.  

My world has been blown apart.

Be close to me, Jesus.  Ever so close.  

unheard

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In being unheard how does one exist?  The soul drys up and shrinks and the mind has to process the cry and can’t.  

Jesus, do you hear my cry?  How does one exist in such loneliness of the soul; in such emptiness?  Lord, take out of me that which needs to be uprooted.  May your beauty surround me and strengthen my soul and bring it life once again.  Walk with me on this lonely road, Lord. My companion. My friend. 

At the feet of Jesus

Do you linger at the feet of Jesus?
Do you stay and soak in His pecense?
Or is it hard for you to be still?
Are you drawn to perform for your worth?
Can you be pleasing to Him if you could do nothing?
Nothing but sit at His feet?
Would you like yourself if you did?
Would that look like laziness to you?
You know, He doesn't need you to do His work.
He wants you first,
before work,
before anything else.
He wants you.
And nothing else.

First Love

His yearning for me pulls me in. My face against His chest. I hear His heartbeat. I feel His passion. His love covers me and my spirit opens to Him. His precense cascades down me and I am consumed by Him. He pursues me and I cannot resist. I am His and He is all I want.

Jesus, you are my first love. You loved me first. Before I even knew.

my child

"Before you were conceived I wanted you.
Before you were born I lovedyou. Before you were here an hour I would die for you.
This is the miracleof love."
- Maureen Hawkins

rejection

What rejection can do to the soul. It can rip it apart and rend it in half. It can leave it isolated and longing for an identity. Rejection can keep the good out and let the bad in. Flooding the mind and soul with thoughts and feelings of lonliness, pain, and bitterness. It has no preference of its person. It comes to steal, kill, and destroy the soul.

But God...

Only the Creator can cure such a wound. He knows its intricacies and battle wounds by heart. NOTHING is hid from Him. And nothing is insignificant to Him. It all matters to Him. And He is here to heal the brokenhearted and to bind up their wounds. His love covers all things. He covers all your wounds with Love and the Blood and it heals. He sees the wounds, the devestation, and has nothing but love for you. He is here to heal. Let Him?

Hot Sauce

My anger, always angry, or irritated. Why is that? How am I suppose to nuture this soul, make it strong and open and loving, when all I am is irritated? Help me Lord. I don't want to be angry anymore. I am living in a dessert place where your precense and people are few and far between. I feel misunderstood and rejectd by everyone around me. They don't know the things I see and what they mean. They think me weird. How to be what you made me and not be a social outcast. That is one I don't know yet. I wish I were with people of like mind, but you have me here to inluence those around me. Influence them through me Lord, because I have no influence left. Feed my daughter through me Lord when I feel I have nothing for her. When I feel the rejection and misunderstanding around me takes everything from me, please let Your kingdom come through me.